The Teddy Bear Coalman woke at seven in the morning, climbed out of his cot, dressed all by himself and went downstairs. He ate a soft boiled egg with toast cut into soldiers and all washed down with a warm cup of Tetley’s tea, two sugars and a nice slap of milk.
The Teddy Bear Coalman went out the back to the stables to wake up Horse and saddle him up for the day’s coal deliveries.
Knock, knock, knock, went the Teddy Bear Coalman on the stable door.
“Come on Horse it’s 7:30, coal to be delivered.”
Horse’s big weary head stirred to life after a heavy night’s sleep on damp straw.
“Ah Teddy Bear Coalman I don’t feel too well, maybe I’ll give today a miss,” groaned Horse.
“What do you mean ‘give today a miss’? How will I deliver all that bitumus coal to housewives in need of a banging in their lonely sheds? It’s called a Horse and Cart not a Teddy Bear Coalman and Cart! Now come on you lazy bollox, saddle up and let’s go!” Lectured the Teddy Bear Coalman.
So with great effort Horse got saddled up and made the car ready for delivery.
“There you go Horse old man, that wasn’t so hard now was it?” Inquired the furry fellow.
“Feck off ya fuzzy fucker, I’m in agony, I’ll do myself an injury and then you’ll be sorry, ” moaned Horse.
Teddy Bear Coalman thought to himself ‘Horse is not in good shape’ and decided to take the deliveries easy.
“Gee up Horse” said the Teddy Bear Coalman and off they went.
“Ah, wait a minute to get myself motivated, I’d like to see you pull 2 tons of coal” grumbled Horse.
Clipty-clop, Clipty-clop…clop…clop…pause.
Clitpy-clop, Clipty-clop…clop…clop…pause.
Clitpy-clop, Clipty-clop…clop…clop…pause.
Went Horse down the cobbled road. Despite Horse’s suffering, the daily deliveries had begun.
After banging his third housewife and delivering feck all coal, the Teddy Bear Coalman looked through the window of the house at his sick friend waiting in the cold driveway, head hung low, while he fumbled with his warm fur suit inside the house. The Teddy Bear Coalman came over all-sympathetic and really felt sorry for the poor old fellow. Even the flushed housewife at the door commented on the state of poor old Horse.
“All right Horse, two more houses to bang and we’ll call it a day.”
Horse sighed happily, swished his tail in delight, unable to speak from his pains.
Knock, knock, knock…went the Teddy Bear Coalman on No. 69 Easy Place. A tall blond wearing suspenders and an excuse for a black negligee opened the door.
“I’ll have three bags full please Teddy Bear Coalman,” said the blond in a deep, husky voice.
“That’ll be three pennies,” replied the Teddy Bear Coalman from Hard-On-City with a wink and a nod. “Where would you like the coal put love, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean?” Giggled the Teddy Bear Coalman.
“Oh, in the shed outback and come back into the kitchen for your payment,” suggestively replied the blond.
The Teddy Bear Coalman could hardly control himself, he wanted this blond soooo bad. He fecked the coal into the shed hastily, bang, bang, bang. He waddled his way back up the garden path, not very aerodynamically, to the Love Kitchen for his payment. Wink, wink, wink…nudge, nudge, nudge…know what I mean, know what I mean?
When the Teddy Bear Coalman entered the blond was bent over, reaching into a cupboard for something. The Teddy Bear Coalman was beyond control, he ripped off his furry bear suit and rushed over at her. Just as he was about to slam her, she turned around with a bottle of Parazone in her hand and a look of disgust on her face.
“What do you think you are doing, you furry fiend? Screamed the blond.
“I deliver madam, bang, bang, bang, in your shed…Bob’s your uncle, fanny’s your aunt, what’s the problem?” Squirmed the Teddy Bear Coalman embarrassingly in his birthday suit.
“Well I never, of all the warped sex crazed beings I’ve ever met, and mind you I’ve met my fair share from when I lived in Amsterdam, you take the biscuit!”
“Actually I prefer crisps, if you have any?” Interjected the little teddy.
“Never mind that you freak, I was speaking metaphorically, get out before I phone the police and take your three pennies with you, you furry freak!”
The Teddy Bear Coalman pulled his bear suit back on, grabbed his three pennies and dashed out the front door, leaped up on the coal cart, grabbed the whip—Whoppa—went the whip.
“Gee up Horse, let’s get the fuck out of here, before that demented housewife phones the pigs.”
Horse sped down the cobbled street, his ailments quickly forgotten. Broke speed records going down Main Street and broke a red light on Kingsley Street. The mad dash was going fine, until they hit a patch of oil on the Super’s Turn just before their own house. The cart went one way, Horse went the other and the Teddy Bear Coalman was thrown high up into the air. Luckily he landed on a bundle of feathers left there by old Mrs. Watson, who in her senile years began to collect feathers from shabby quilts and pillows. She was loaded up and sent off to a home with soft padded walls and given a real comfy jacket in stylish white with funny sleeves that she could never figure out. But the feathers were never moved in memory of the great work she performed during WWII. She had saved over 300 RAF pilots from certain death by warming their cockles at night in the wards of St. Jude’s Hostpital of the Desperate Cases during the entire siege of Hitler on jolly old Britania that some people came to call the Blitz. This was fine jingoism at its best, boy had Winston a tough time writing speeches for the BBC to beat her from stealing his glory at the Treaty of Potsdam!
The Teddy Bear Coalman popped his head up to survey the carnage. He saw coal bags burst, lying everywhere. Coal scattered from one end of the street to the other. Beggers and Tramps were already scurrying and about knicking some of Teddy Bear Coalman’s coal, stuffing it in their pockets and shopping trolley’s knackered from Tesco’s down the road. But what he saw last totally shocked him, made his fur stand on end, his stuffing squelched inside and if he had a digestive system he would have puked all over poor old dead Mrs. Watson’s feathers.
Horse lay spewed across the footpath. Blood dripped from his big Horse’s head, his left hind leg seemed to come out from where his knee should have been. His leg was broken, fucked as far as coal delivering went.
The Teddy Bear Coalman registered his loss in earnings immediately, no Horse, nor cart pulled, no coal delivered, no housewives banged…Feck! This really was a pain in the teddy bear butt. He strolled lazily over to his broken equestrian friend and summoned up all the sincerity he could muster.
“Are you all right Horse? Choked the Teddy Bear Coalman.
“Feck off ya furry bollox, you’re thinking about loss in earnings and sex, I know you, feck you Teddy Bear Coalman. For a moment I thought I meant more to you than just a big lug to pull your cart!” Cried out Horse in agony.
“No, no, no, Horse I really am worried about you, I’ll help you back to the house. Make you a nice cup of tea and a bucket of Horny Oats (registered trade mark #897®©) and I’ll phone Mr. Warner that lovely vet you like so much from Hollybank clinic,” said the Teddy Bear Coalman and actually meant what he said.
Mr. Warner the vet took a good luck at Horse, then took the Teddy Bear Coalman out to the kitchen to discuss the prognosis.
“I won’t lie to you Teddy Bear Coalman, God knows you’ve been delivering coal long enough to our house and the Misses just loves you for some reason, so I’ll have it out straight with ya. His leg is broken, fecked all together, he’ll never race again, I think we’ll have to put him down, I can do it, no extra charge.”
“But Mr. Warner, he’s not a race horse, he just pulls my coal cart in the morning,” replied the confused little bear.
“Oh? In that case we’ll just put him down anyway, still no extra charge. Not very valuable animal, one that draws a cart.”
“But…but…but…” stuttered the Teddy Bear Coalman. He was lost for words, totally distressed. Horse might be a prick sometimes but he was his horse, he was his friend! Mr. Warner pulled out a huge hypodermic needle from his black veterinarian’s bag. Tapped it once, squirted a little of it’s deadly venom out the top and let it trickle down the side of the syringe and approached Horse.
“What’s dat for?” Asked Horse innocently.
“Well Horse, your leg is broken, so I’m going to put you down, make it feel all better, don’t feel bad old fella, it happens to the best of us, and you’re years past your prime,” congenially explained Mr. Warner.
“Feck off! You’re not gonna kill me just because I broke my fecking leg. Are you crazy?” Yelled Horse.
“Now, now, Horse don’t be such a big baby, just let me inject you and you’ll be dead in say ten minutes or so, you’ll hardly even know the difference, that right Teddy Bear Coalman!”
“Of course I’ll notice the difference I’ll be fecking dead won’t I? There is quite a difference between being not dead and being dead.”
“Technically speaking yes, but come on Horse it’s not like you have much of a life anyway. Like seriously what have you to live for?”
The Teddy Bear Coalman joined in “Ah, Horse if the good Mr. Warner says it’s best, maybe you should listen to him, he has a college you know, very educated, very smart man, ah go on Horse listen to him and you’ll be better in know time, “ said the Teddy Bear Coalman with hope.
“What, are you stupid, demented, too much stuffing and no brains. If he puts me down, I don’t get better, I get dead!” Said Horse very angrily.
“Oh sorry Horse old chap, I totally misunderstood” he feigned ignorance “Hold on till I speak to the good doctor, just one second.”
Both went out again to the kitchen and left Horse petrified in his armchair. His tea had gone cold and he had lost his appetite for the jam covered scones and oats in front of him. The Teddy Bear Coalman returned to the sitting room looking very cheerful altogether.
“Mr. Warner says to take two Paracetemol three times a day and rest that leg for about 3-4 weeks and you’ll be pulling my cart in no time. Also he says sorry about the whole near death thing, it’s all just procedure you know, no hard feelings, all right Horse?” Explained the Teddy Bear Coalman.
Horse just sighed out of relief and fell asleep in his armchair dreaming of wild stallions on the range running freely through great grassy plains. A happy horse was he.
The Teddy Bear Coalman just didn’t know how he was going to get his coal delivered with Horse’s leg all messed up. He walked down to Mrs. Browner’s corner shop, which wasn’t on a corner at all, but right in the middle of Main Street. Mrs. Browner might sound like an old English woman, but was in actual fact a first generation Indian and raised in the gutters of New Dehli till she was ten years old. Her Indian name was Kaki which translated directly to Browner. So she had it legally changed when she opened her corner shop on Main Street, thought the anglicized version sounded more appetizing than Kaki.
“Mrs. Browner,” said the Teddy Bear Coalman “ I would like to place an advert in your window please. Just looking for some horse to pull my cart for awhile, nothing permanent.”
“Ohhh, dut, dut, dut Teddy Bear Coalman we will have no profanity like that in my corner shop, ohh, dut, dut, dut,” scolded Mrs. Browner totally misconstruing the situation altogether.
“No, Mrs. Browner, my coal cart, the one I deliver coal to you on” said the Teddy Bear Coalman very embarrassed because this cart she knew well and all the banging that came with it!
“Sorry, very sorry, a thousand pardons Teddy Bear Coalman. Why don’t you look in the Auto-Trader, you’ll find anything in that motor magazine” advised Mrs. Browner.
“Very well, here’s three pennies.”
“And the rest you stingy, furry, bollox, ohh, dut, dut, dut,” Shouted the packie.
The Teddy Bear Coalman went into Joe’s Good Coffee House, which was owned by a man named Brian and sold the worst coffee this side of a Styrofoam cup. He flicked through the pages of the Auto-Trader and it jumped straight out at him off the page, nearly taking his eye out:
Half-price Twin Cam for Sale, 130 Horsepower, Best Cart Around. No Tire Kickers or Test Pilots.
Announced the king-sized advert. The Teddy Bear Coalman didn’t know what a Twin Cam was, but if it had 130 horsepower he could deliver loads of coal and after all it was half-price, oooowhhaaaa. He phoned the number and arranged a meeting in the car park at the back of Tesco’s.
When the Teddy Bear Coalman arrived on foot with the Auto-Trader rolled up under his arm the entire car park were empty, cause it were a Sunday, apart from the most beautiful, divine sight he had ever beheld. A 16 valve, back wheel drive, double over head cam, Toyota Corolla Twin Cam sat low and fat like his momma’s ass in the center of the car park. She was two-toned, silver over black. He staggered over to it, salivating at the mouth. It had electric blue trim on the outside highlighting the lettering 16V DOHC. Inside the blue continued on the steering wheel, gear knob and stereo. All seats had four point racing harnesses in the same electric blue fashion. Even around the back the chrome exhaust pipe was shinned to perfection. Teddy Bear Coalman caught his reflection in this and saw a happy bear about to buy a Twin Cam.
“All right soir, ya wanna by ma Twin Cam,” said the heavenly chariot’s owner! The Teddy Bear Coalman couldn’t speak, he just nodded and pissed himself a little, unable to control his bladder. “All right soir, take her for a wee test drive ‘bout the car perk and no test pilot stuff, ye don’t look much like no Colin McCrae to me soir.”
The Teddy Bear Coalman slipped behind the wheel. The whole car hugged around his body and then as if it was the most natural thing in the world to do he reclined his seat all the way back, turned the key and listened to the distinctive growl of the Twin Cam and out of his little Teddy Bear Coalman mouth came the words “Aigh, Twin Cam 16 Valve soir.” With that he slammed his foot to the floor and sent the back wheel drive Twin Cam side ways through the car park. The owner of the car blessed himself and prayed to St. Margo in a Rickshaw.
The Teddy Bear Coalman pulled up and said “Good man, I’ll take her at half-price.”
To this the man replied “Aigh, soir, ya boyo!”
Horse was in the middle of Coronation Street and another cup of tea when he heard the really strange noise like somebody with a real bad nasal problem going WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! He drew the orange shabby curtains back and saw her for the first time. The Twin Cam, thee Twin Cam in her all her majesty, Horse always held a mighty respect for this Prince of the road. But what the hell was the Teddy Bear Coalman doing behind the wheel of such a vehicle, the sole preserve of bogmen and plonkers alike?
“Nice motor Teddy Bear Coalman,” offered Horse.
“Aigh man, thanks man. This is ma new Twin Cam 16 Valve, back wheel drive, not front wheel drive, carburetted, not injected, wild power, some job.”
“What the fuck did you just say?” Said Horse absolutely astounded at the change in his fluffy friend’s accent.
“Horse, I’m off ta cruise the Main Street for the evening, do some doughnuts, might even grab meself a snack box ta ate.” With a slip of the clutch, a dab of the accelerator and one hell of a roar, the Teddy Bear Coalman went sideways down the street. MWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Horse hobbled back to his comfy chair to catch the end of Coronation Street, shaking his big horse’s head in pure bewilderment with his coal companion.
“Fecking edgit,” said Horse to himself.
The Teddy Bear Coalman pulled up to Queens Cross Station traffic lights and saw P.C. Perkins stroll down Paisley Lane and out of sight. Then he floored it, double clutched her and hit about seventy going past the take-away, before putting the arse out and tailing her into a complete 180. Then slid perfectly into a parking space between a camper van and a BMW. The Teddy Bear Coalman was well chuffed with himself. The little bear walked as cool as he could up to the take-away. He concentrated on the feel of having something up his arse, that’s always gives a complete hardass look and for good measure spat on the ground and licked his lips. (Hey, give the bloke a chance, it’s hard to look tough when you’re 4ft 3ins tall with button eyes, cute little ears, covered in the fuzziest, softest fur around!)
“Aigh, Snack Box, two breasts please.” Teddy Bear Coalman tittered at his own little joke.
“Cheeky bastard” replied the girl behind the counter. “Another word out of you like that and you can get your Southern Fried chicken somewhere else shorty!”
The Teddy Bear Coalman shit himself on the spot, his hugely inflate ego let some air hiss out. He needed to recover quickly with a good come back and only one thing came to mind “Do you know ya tart, ya geebag, saggy breasted wench that I’ve a Twin Cam 16 Valve Corolla, back wheel drive, aigh?” That got her. She just melted on the spot, she had never experienced desire for a teddy bear before, but right now she felt it and felt it badly. Twin Cam, Twin Cam reverberated through out her whole body.
“Take me Teddy Bear Coalman, take me and your Snack Box, have my breasts!”
“Aigh, naw thanks I’ll just have a can of coke as well thanks” and gave the girls a few pennies for her troubles. On the way out the door he bumped into the blond from earlier who had booted him out of her house. Neither made eye contact, excused themselves and walked on by. For some reason the Teddy Bear Coalman didn’t drive his car away, when he started it up, it felt more natural to sit their eating his Snack Box with the radio on mad loud, engine running away and dabbing at the accelerator every once in awhile. He couldn’t understand his own behavior, but hell he liked it. He thought to himself as he pushed fried chicken into his mouth ‘You’re brilliant Teddy Bear Coalman, not brilliant baby, just British!’ A tap on his door brought him out of his daydream and into a complete fantasy. There, only mm’s away on the other side of his tinted window was the blond. He put the window down and spoke in a deep voice:
“Aigh, what do you want?” Play it cool Teddy Bear Coalman, play it cool.
“Is this your car? Would you like to show me what this baby can do?” She winked. “Say we make up for a little misunderstanding this morning?”
“Now let me get this straight. When you winked this time and spoke with sexual innuendo is it leading to sex or are you taking the piss like you did earlier?”
“I’m for real this time you little furry fuck monster!”
“Get in ma Twin Cam doll, I’m taking you for a wee ride!” Shit he thought, this totally beats the crap out of the old coal cart for picking up the chicks and getting some banging done. The Teddy Bear Coalman slipped her into first and mmmwwwhaaaaaaaa off they went sideways down the road. The Teddy Bear Coalman drove his Twin Cam flat out to the hills and beyond. Jaysus he couldn’t wait to get a piece of this blond. Mind you he ate the rest of his Snack Box as he controlled the back wheel beast of the road with one hand, no bother. They pulled to a quiet spot, turned off the engine and turned to face her for desert.
“Leave the engine on little bear, I love to hear it growl…” The engine wasn’t the only thing that was turned on and growling in that instant. The next three hours were spent in pure Teddy Bear Coalman heavenly bliss.
The Twin Cam was the best thing ever. Eating Snack Boxes and tailing her out in his Twin Cam and picking up babes, that was the way to live. No more coal bag banging for this little bear, no sir. Horse could stay fecked for all he cared, he was King, King of the Twin Cams!
5,000 revs, 6,000 revs, drop the clutch, shift the gear, sideways around a corner, flat out on the straight. After his time with the hot blond the Teddy Bear Coalman was running on pure adrenaline…125mph…130mph…135mph…140mph…flat out, up to the limit on O’Grady’s Straight. But the bear forgot that when straight ends it usually signifies a corner, a bend in the road. Feck!!!!!
His four point harness held him tightly as he tailed her sideways round the corner, he thought he had made it when the nose of her tipped the ditch, the arse snapped around, he tried some reverse lock, pulled the hand brake to rescue her, but no good, the hedge line was coming right at him. Over the ditch she went, down a slope, rolled once, rolled twice…four times in all and landed in a slurry infested stream in the middle of the field.
“Feck, feck, feck!!” Roared the Teddy Bear Coalman. He climbed out into the pig shit and examined his Twin Cam. His 16V, back wheel drive Corolla, fucked she was, bent and busted, feck!
A large dose of reality hit the Teddy Bear Coalman at that moment as he sunk his furry little padded knees into the slurry, grabbed his cute wee Teddy Bear Coalman head between his little paws and roared in a deep animalistic guttural roar “AAHHHHH FECK! Aigh!”
Horse sniffed the air, slurry he mused, definitely pig shit. He turned around to see his bedraggled friend standing in the kitchen doorway, dripping from ear to ear. With the most stupid ‘I’ve been a silly bollox’ grin on his face.
“Where’s the Twin Cam and why do you smell like shit?” Inquired Horse.
“Wrote her off,” replied the Teddy Bear Coalman.
“Did she raul?”
“Aigh, she rauled.”
“She raaauuullllled,” screamed Horse.
“Aigh, she fecking did…”
“I’ll put the kettle on, you go grab a shower ‘cause you smell.” Ordered Horse. He was happy to be about the kitchen making tea for his friend and master, as much as he love Twin Cams himself he was even more happy to have the Teddy Bear Coalman back and the prospect of pulling the old cart in about, say 2-3 weeks give or take a Bank Holiday Monday. Yeah, life was cruel sometimes, but it had to be cruel to be kind. Horse hummed some silly happy song to himself. The Teddy Bear Coalman came into the sitting room.
“Bad news for you horse.”
“What’s that Teddy Bear Coalman my buddy.”
“To pay for the Twin Cam and insurance I kind of used the coal delivery business as collateral.”
“What’s this mean?” Asked Horse terrified.
“It means we’re fucked, broke, out of business, no more clipty-clop, nor more bang-bang thank you mam in yer shed. We’re finished Horse, kapish, kaput! The Teddy Bear Coalman broke down to his knees for the second time that evening and begged God for forgiveness. Just then there was knock at the door, then a ring on the bell and a letter through the door! Was this the answer from God, so soon? Horse hobbled over and picked it up.
“It’s a summons for you Teddy Bear Coalman, a court appearance next week for reckless driving, speeding and destruction to private property.”
This was the end of the Teddy Bear Coalman’s coal and banging empire, but with one last resilient, defiant effort to show the world he was down but not out he said “Feck it anyway, I’ll be back!”
The End.
The Teddy Bear Coalman went out the back to the stables to wake up Horse and saddle him up for the day’s coal deliveries.
Knock, knock, knock, went the Teddy Bear Coalman on the stable door.
“Come on Horse it’s 7:30, coal to be delivered.”
Horse’s big weary head stirred to life after a heavy night’s sleep on damp straw.
“Ah Teddy Bear Coalman I don’t feel too well, maybe I’ll give today a miss,” groaned Horse.
“What do you mean ‘give today a miss’? How will I deliver all that bitumus coal to housewives in need of a banging in their lonely sheds? It’s called a Horse and Cart not a Teddy Bear Coalman and Cart! Now come on you lazy bollox, saddle up and let’s go!” Lectured the Teddy Bear Coalman.
So with great effort Horse got saddled up and made the car ready for delivery.
“There you go Horse old man, that wasn’t so hard now was it?” Inquired the furry fellow.
“Feck off ya fuzzy fucker, I’m in agony, I’ll do myself an injury and then you’ll be sorry, ” moaned Horse.
Teddy Bear Coalman thought to himself ‘Horse is not in good shape’ and decided to take the deliveries easy.
“Gee up Horse” said the Teddy Bear Coalman and off they went.
“Ah, wait a minute to get myself motivated, I’d like to see you pull 2 tons of coal” grumbled Horse.
Clipty-clop, Clipty-clop…clop…clop…pause.
Clitpy-clop, Clipty-clop…clop…clop…pause.
Clitpy-clop, Clipty-clop…clop…clop…pause.
Went Horse down the cobbled road. Despite Horse’s suffering, the daily deliveries had begun.
After banging his third housewife and delivering feck all coal, the Teddy Bear Coalman looked through the window of the house at his sick friend waiting in the cold driveway, head hung low, while he fumbled with his warm fur suit inside the house. The Teddy Bear Coalman came over all-sympathetic and really felt sorry for the poor old fellow. Even the flushed housewife at the door commented on the state of poor old Horse.
“All right Horse, two more houses to bang and we’ll call it a day.”
Horse sighed happily, swished his tail in delight, unable to speak from his pains.
Knock, knock, knock…went the Teddy Bear Coalman on No. 69 Easy Place. A tall blond wearing suspenders and an excuse for a black negligee opened the door.
“I’ll have three bags full please Teddy Bear Coalman,” said the blond in a deep, husky voice.
“That’ll be three pennies,” replied the Teddy Bear Coalman from Hard-On-City with a wink and a nod. “Where would you like the coal put love, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean?” Giggled the Teddy Bear Coalman.
“Oh, in the shed outback and come back into the kitchen for your payment,” suggestively replied the blond.
The Teddy Bear Coalman could hardly control himself, he wanted this blond soooo bad. He fecked the coal into the shed hastily, bang, bang, bang. He waddled his way back up the garden path, not very aerodynamically, to the Love Kitchen for his payment. Wink, wink, wink…nudge, nudge, nudge…know what I mean, know what I mean?
When the Teddy Bear Coalman entered the blond was bent over, reaching into a cupboard for something. The Teddy Bear Coalman was beyond control, he ripped off his furry bear suit and rushed over at her. Just as he was about to slam her, she turned around with a bottle of Parazone in her hand and a look of disgust on her face.
“What do you think you are doing, you furry fiend? Screamed the blond.
“I deliver madam, bang, bang, bang, in your shed…Bob’s your uncle, fanny’s your aunt, what’s the problem?” Squirmed the Teddy Bear Coalman embarrassingly in his birthday suit.
“Well I never, of all the warped sex crazed beings I’ve ever met, and mind you I’ve met my fair share from when I lived in Amsterdam, you take the biscuit!”
“Actually I prefer crisps, if you have any?” Interjected the little teddy.
“Never mind that you freak, I was speaking metaphorically, get out before I phone the police and take your three pennies with you, you furry freak!”
The Teddy Bear Coalman pulled his bear suit back on, grabbed his three pennies and dashed out the front door, leaped up on the coal cart, grabbed the whip—Whoppa—went the whip.
“Gee up Horse, let’s get the fuck out of here, before that demented housewife phones the pigs.”
Horse sped down the cobbled street, his ailments quickly forgotten. Broke speed records going down Main Street and broke a red light on Kingsley Street. The mad dash was going fine, until they hit a patch of oil on the Super’s Turn just before their own house. The cart went one way, Horse went the other and the Teddy Bear Coalman was thrown high up into the air. Luckily he landed on a bundle of feathers left there by old Mrs. Watson, who in her senile years began to collect feathers from shabby quilts and pillows. She was loaded up and sent off to a home with soft padded walls and given a real comfy jacket in stylish white with funny sleeves that she could never figure out. But the feathers were never moved in memory of the great work she performed during WWII. She had saved over 300 RAF pilots from certain death by warming their cockles at night in the wards of St. Jude’s Hostpital of the Desperate Cases during the entire siege of Hitler on jolly old Britania that some people came to call the Blitz. This was fine jingoism at its best, boy had Winston a tough time writing speeches for the BBC to beat her from stealing his glory at the Treaty of Potsdam!
The Teddy Bear Coalman popped his head up to survey the carnage. He saw coal bags burst, lying everywhere. Coal scattered from one end of the street to the other. Beggers and Tramps were already scurrying and about knicking some of Teddy Bear Coalman’s coal, stuffing it in their pockets and shopping trolley’s knackered from Tesco’s down the road. But what he saw last totally shocked him, made his fur stand on end, his stuffing squelched inside and if he had a digestive system he would have puked all over poor old dead Mrs. Watson’s feathers.
Horse lay spewed across the footpath. Blood dripped from his big Horse’s head, his left hind leg seemed to come out from where his knee should have been. His leg was broken, fucked as far as coal delivering went.
The Teddy Bear Coalman registered his loss in earnings immediately, no Horse, nor cart pulled, no coal delivered, no housewives banged…Feck! This really was a pain in the teddy bear butt. He strolled lazily over to his broken equestrian friend and summoned up all the sincerity he could muster.
“Are you all right Horse? Choked the Teddy Bear Coalman.
“Feck off ya furry bollox, you’re thinking about loss in earnings and sex, I know you, feck you Teddy Bear Coalman. For a moment I thought I meant more to you than just a big lug to pull your cart!” Cried out Horse in agony.
“No, no, no, Horse I really am worried about you, I’ll help you back to the house. Make you a nice cup of tea and a bucket of Horny Oats (registered trade mark #897®©) and I’ll phone Mr. Warner that lovely vet you like so much from Hollybank clinic,” said the Teddy Bear Coalman and actually meant what he said.
Mr. Warner the vet took a good luck at Horse, then took the Teddy Bear Coalman out to the kitchen to discuss the prognosis.
“I won’t lie to you Teddy Bear Coalman, God knows you’ve been delivering coal long enough to our house and the Misses just loves you for some reason, so I’ll have it out straight with ya. His leg is broken, fecked all together, he’ll never race again, I think we’ll have to put him down, I can do it, no extra charge.”
“But Mr. Warner, he’s not a race horse, he just pulls my coal cart in the morning,” replied the confused little bear.
“Oh? In that case we’ll just put him down anyway, still no extra charge. Not very valuable animal, one that draws a cart.”
“But…but…but…” stuttered the Teddy Bear Coalman. He was lost for words, totally distressed. Horse might be a prick sometimes but he was his horse, he was his friend! Mr. Warner pulled out a huge hypodermic needle from his black veterinarian’s bag. Tapped it once, squirted a little of it’s deadly venom out the top and let it trickle down the side of the syringe and approached Horse.
“What’s dat for?” Asked Horse innocently.
“Well Horse, your leg is broken, so I’m going to put you down, make it feel all better, don’t feel bad old fella, it happens to the best of us, and you’re years past your prime,” congenially explained Mr. Warner.
“Feck off! You’re not gonna kill me just because I broke my fecking leg. Are you crazy?” Yelled Horse.
“Now, now, Horse don’t be such a big baby, just let me inject you and you’ll be dead in say ten minutes or so, you’ll hardly even know the difference, that right Teddy Bear Coalman!”
“Of course I’ll notice the difference I’ll be fecking dead won’t I? There is quite a difference between being not dead and being dead.”
“Technically speaking yes, but come on Horse it’s not like you have much of a life anyway. Like seriously what have you to live for?”
The Teddy Bear Coalman joined in “Ah, Horse if the good Mr. Warner says it’s best, maybe you should listen to him, he has a college you know, very educated, very smart man, ah go on Horse listen to him and you’ll be better in know time, “ said the Teddy Bear Coalman with hope.
“What, are you stupid, demented, too much stuffing and no brains. If he puts me down, I don’t get better, I get dead!” Said Horse very angrily.
“Oh sorry Horse old chap, I totally misunderstood” he feigned ignorance “Hold on till I speak to the good doctor, just one second.”
Both went out again to the kitchen and left Horse petrified in his armchair. His tea had gone cold and he had lost his appetite for the jam covered scones and oats in front of him. The Teddy Bear Coalman returned to the sitting room looking very cheerful altogether.
“Mr. Warner says to take two Paracetemol three times a day and rest that leg for about 3-4 weeks and you’ll be pulling my cart in no time. Also he says sorry about the whole near death thing, it’s all just procedure you know, no hard feelings, all right Horse?” Explained the Teddy Bear Coalman.
Horse just sighed out of relief and fell asleep in his armchair dreaming of wild stallions on the range running freely through great grassy plains. A happy horse was he.
The Teddy Bear Coalman just didn’t know how he was going to get his coal delivered with Horse’s leg all messed up. He walked down to Mrs. Browner’s corner shop, which wasn’t on a corner at all, but right in the middle of Main Street. Mrs. Browner might sound like an old English woman, but was in actual fact a first generation Indian and raised in the gutters of New Dehli till she was ten years old. Her Indian name was Kaki which translated directly to Browner. So she had it legally changed when she opened her corner shop on Main Street, thought the anglicized version sounded more appetizing than Kaki.
“Mrs. Browner,” said the Teddy Bear Coalman “ I would like to place an advert in your window please. Just looking for some horse to pull my cart for awhile, nothing permanent.”
“Ohhh, dut, dut, dut Teddy Bear Coalman we will have no profanity like that in my corner shop, ohh, dut, dut, dut,” scolded Mrs. Browner totally misconstruing the situation altogether.
“No, Mrs. Browner, my coal cart, the one I deliver coal to you on” said the Teddy Bear Coalman very embarrassed because this cart she knew well and all the banging that came with it!
“Sorry, very sorry, a thousand pardons Teddy Bear Coalman. Why don’t you look in the Auto-Trader, you’ll find anything in that motor magazine” advised Mrs. Browner.
“Very well, here’s three pennies.”
“And the rest you stingy, furry, bollox, ohh, dut, dut, dut,” Shouted the packie.
The Teddy Bear Coalman went into Joe’s Good Coffee House, which was owned by a man named Brian and sold the worst coffee this side of a Styrofoam cup. He flicked through the pages of the Auto-Trader and it jumped straight out at him off the page, nearly taking his eye out:
Half-price Twin Cam for Sale, 130 Horsepower, Best Cart Around. No Tire Kickers or Test Pilots.
Announced the king-sized advert. The Teddy Bear Coalman didn’t know what a Twin Cam was, but if it had 130 horsepower he could deliver loads of coal and after all it was half-price, oooowhhaaaa. He phoned the number and arranged a meeting in the car park at the back of Tesco’s.
When the Teddy Bear Coalman arrived on foot with the Auto-Trader rolled up under his arm the entire car park were empty, cause it were a Sunday, apart from the most beautiful, divine sight he had ever beheld. A 16 valve, back wheel drive, double over head cam, Toyota Corolla Twin Cam sat low and fat like his momma’s ass in the center of the car park. She was two-toned, silver over black. He staggered over to it, salivating at the mouth. It had electric blue trim on the outside highlighting the lettering 16V DOHC. Inside the blue continued on the steering wheel, gear knob and stereo. All seats had four point racing harnesses in the same electric blue fashion. Even around the back the chrome exhaust pipe was shinned to perfection. Teddy Bear Coalman caught his reflection in this and saw a happy bear about to buy a Twin Cam.
“All right soir, ya wanna by ma Twin Cam,” said the heavenly chariot’s owner! The Teddy Bear Coalman couldn’t speak, he just nodded and pissed himself a little, unable to control his bladder. “All right soir, take her for a wee test drive ‘bout the car perk and no test pilot stuff, ye don’t look much like no Colin McCrae to me soir.”
The Teddy Bear Coalman slipped behind the wheel. The whole car hugged around his body and then as if it was the most natural thing in the world to do he reclined his seat all the way back, turned the key and listened to the distinctive growl of the Twin Cam and out of his little Teddy Bear Coalman mouth came the words “Aigh, Twin Cam 16 Valve soir.” With that he slammed his foot to the floor and sent the back wheel drive Twin Cam side ways through the car park. The owner of the car blessed himself and prayed to St. Margo in a Rickshaw.
The Teddy Bear Coalman pulled up and said “Good man, I’ll take her at half-price.”
To this the man replied “Aigh, soir, ya boyo!”
Horse was in the middle of Coronation Street and another cup of tea when he heard the really strange noise like somebody with a real bad nasal problem going WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! He drew the orange shabby curtains back and saw her for the first time. The Twin Cam, thee Twin Cam in her all her majesty, Horse always held a mighty respect for this Prince of the road. But what the hell was the Teddy Bear Coalman doing behind the wheel of such a vehicle, the sole preserve of bogmen and plonkers alike?
“Nice motor Teddy Bear Coalman,” offered Horse.
“Aigh man, thanks man. This is ma new Twin Cam 16 Valve, back wheel drive, not front wheel drive, carburetted, not injected, wild power, some job.”
“What the fuck did you just say?” Said Horse absolutely astounded at the change in his fluffy friend’s accent.
“Horse, I’m off ta cruise the Main Street for the evening, do some doughnuts, might even grab meself a snack box ta ate.” With a slip of the clutch, a dab of the accelerator and one hell of a roar, the Teddy Bear Coalman went sideways down the street. MWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Horse hobbled back to his comfy chair to catch the end of Coronation Street, shaking his big horse’s head in pure bewilderment with his coal companion.
“Fecking edgit,” said Horse to himself.
The Teddy Bear Coalman pulled up to Queens Cross Station traffic lights and saw P.C. Perkins stroll down Paisley Lane and out of sight. Then he floored it, double clutched her and hit about seventy going past the take-away, before putting the arse out and tailing her into a complete 180. Then slid perfectly into a parking space between a camper van and a BMW. The Teddy Bear Coalman was well chuffed with himself. The little bear walked as cool as he could up to the take-away. He concentrated on the feel of having something up his arse, that’s always gives a complete hardass look and for good measure spat on the ground and licked his lips. (Hey, give the bloke a chance, it’s hard to look tough when you’re 4ft 3ins tall with button eyes, cute little ears, covered in the fuzziest, softest fur around!)
“Aigh, Snack Box, two breasts please.” Teddy Bear Coalman tittered at his own little joke.
“Cheeky bastard” replied the girl behind the counter. “Another word out of you like that and you can get your Southern Fried chicken somewhere else shorty!”
The Teddy Bear Coalman shit himself on the spot, his hugely inflate ego let some air hiss out. He needed to recover quickly with a good come back and only one thing came to mind “Do you know ya tart, ya geebag, saggy breasted wench that I’ve a Twin Cam 16 Valve Corolla, back wheel drive, aigh?” That got her. She just melted on the spot, she had never experienced desire for a teddy bear before, but right now she felt it and felt it badly. Twin Cam, Twin Cam reverberated through out her whole body.
“Take me Teddy Bear Coalman, take me and your Snack Box, have my breasts!”
“Aigh, naw thanks I’ll just have a can of coke as well thanks” and gave the girls a few pennies for her troubles. On the way out the door he bumped into the blond from earlier who had booted him out of her house. Neither made eye contact, excused themselves and walked on by. For some reason the Teddy Bear Coalman didn’t drive his car away, when he started it up, it felt more natural to sit their eating his Snack Box with the radio on mad loud, engine running away and dabbing at the accelerator every once in awhile. He couldn’t understand his own behavior, but hell he liked it. He thought to himself as he pushed fried chicken into his mouth ‘You’re brilliant Teddy Bear Coalman, not brilliant baby, just British!’ A tap on his door brought him out of his daydream and into a complete fantasy. There, only mm’s away on the other side of his tinted window was the blond. He put the window down and spoke in a deep voice:
“Aigh, what do you want?” Play it cool Teddy Bear Coalman, play it cool.
“Is this your car? Would you like to show me what this baby can do?” She winked. “Say we make up for a little misunderstanding this morning?”
“Now let me get this straight. When you winked this time and spoke with sexual innuendo is it leading to sex or are you taking the piss like you did earlier?”
“I’m for real this time you little furry fuck monster!”
“Get in ma Twin Cam doll, I’m taking you for a wee ride!” Shit he thought, this totally beats the crap out of the old coal cart for picking up the chicks and getting some banging done. The Teddy Bear Coalman slipped her into first and mmmwwwhaaaaaaaa off they went sideways down the road. The Teddy Bear Coalman drove his Twin Cam flat out to the hills and beyond. Jaysus he couldn’t wait to get a piece of this blond. Mind you he ate the rest of his Snack Box as he controlled the back wheel beast of the road with one hand, no bother. They pulled to a quiet spot, turned off the engine and turned to face her for desert.
“Leave the engine on little bear, I love to hear it growl…” The engine wasn’t the only thing that was turned on and growling in that instant. The next three hours were spent in pure Teddy Bear Coalman heavenly bliss.
The Twin Cam was the best thing ever. Eating Snack Boxes and tailing her out in his Twin Cam and picking up babes, that was the way to live. No more coal bag banging for this little bear, no sir. Horse could stay fecked for all he cared, he was King, King of the Twin Cams!
5,000 revs, 6,000 revs, drop the clutch, shift the gear, sideways around a corner, flat out on the straight. After his time with the hot blond the Teddy Bear Coalman was running on pure adrenaline…125mph…130mph…135mph…140mph…flat out, up to the limit on O’Grady’s Straight. But the bear forgot that when straight ends it usually signifies a corner, a bend in the road. Feck!!!!!
His four point harness held him tightly as he tailed her sideways round the corner, he thought he had made it when the nose of her tipped the ditch, the arse snapped around, he tried some reverse lock, pulled the hand brake to rescue her, but no good, the hedge line was coming right at him. Over the ditch she went, down a slope, rolled once, rolled twice…four times in all and landed in a slurry infested stream in the middle of the field.
“Feck, feck, feck!!” Roared the Teddy Bear Coalman. He climbed out into the pig shit and examined his Twin Cam. His 16V, back wheel drive Corolla, fucked she was, bent and busted, feck!
A large dose of reality hit the Teddy Bear Coalman at that moment as he sunk his furry little padded knees into the slurry, grabbed his cute wee Teddy Bear Coalman head between his little paws and roared in a deep animalistic guttural roar “AAHHHHH FECK! Aigh!”
Horse sniffed the air, slurry he mused, definitely pig shit. He turned around to see his bedraggled friend standing in the kitchen doorway, dripping from ear to ear. With the most stupid ‘I’ve been a silly bollox’ grin on his face.
“Where’s the Twin Cam and why do you smell like shit?” Inquired Horse.
“Wrote her off,” replied the Teddy Bear Coalman.
“Did she raul?”
“Aigh, she rauled.”
“She raaauuullllled,” screamed Horse.
“Aigh, she fecking did…”
“I’ll put the kettle on, you go grab a shower ‘cause you smell.” Ordered Horse. He was happy to be about the kitchen making tea for his friend and master, as much as he love Twin Cams himself he was even more happy to have the Teddy Bear Coalman back and the prospect of pulling the old cart in about, say 2-3 weeks give or take a Bank Holiday Monday. Yeah, life was cruel sometimes, but it had to be cruel to be kind. Horse hummed some silly happy song to himself. The Teddy Bear Coalman came into the sitting room.
“Bad news for you horse.”
“What’s that Teddy Bear Coalman my buddy.”
“To pay for the Twin Cam and insurance I kind of used the coal delivery business as collateral.”
“What’s this mean?” Asked Horse terrified.
“It means we’re fucked, broke, out of business, no more clipty-clop, nor more bang-bang thank you mam in yer shed. We’re finished Horse, kapish, kaput! The Teddy Bear Coalman broke down to his knees for the second time that evening and begged God for forgiveness. Just then there was knock at the door, then a ring on the bell and a letter through the door! Was this the answer from God, so soon? Horse hobbled over and picked it up.
“It’s a summons for you Teddy Bear Coalman, a court appearance next week for reckless driving, speeding and destruction to private property.”
This was the end of the Teddy Bear Coalman’s coal and banging empire, but with one last resilient, defiant effort to show the world he was down but not out he said “Feck it anyway, I’ll be back!”
The End.
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